Johnny Biceps

Good job!

2012-02-01T01:23:00.001-05:00

LAPD detectives did a good job solving the Hollywood body parts case. Lets give 'em a hand!

Watch a joke!

2012-01-27T12:10:00.000-05:00

An acting joke. JB turns its jokes into shorts!

Heckler deals with California Thunder..

2012-01-16T00:08:00.001-05:00

Update: Thunder is doing OK.. just a few cuts and a headache but luckily the bottle smashed clean and Thunder has a hard head. The heckler was later found by police.

A JohnnyBiceps art film

2012-01-10T12:31:00.000-05:00

Now that's a good deal.

2012-01-04T19:00:00.001-05:00

"Good Deal" from jon mishner on Vimeo.

California Thunder doing some holiday shopping

2011-12-25T23:12:00.006-05:00

Doing some shopping on the world famous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.

Scroll down to see two more previous videos of California Thunder.

Fruit works out, too

2011-11-05T00:07:00.003-04:00

Click to enlarge

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T11:40:00.000-04:00

What did the vampire get on his SATs?

Blood!

Too soon for a Bible joke?

2011-10-29T15:22:00.004-04:00

What did God say to Lassie back in the Bible days?

Click pic to enlarge

The JohnnyBiceps Joke List

2011-10-04T01:26:00.013-04:00

All are 100% original [and copywritten] jokes and one liners by Jon Mishner.
Check back often for new jokes!

I was walking down Hollywood Blvd late last night and this guy in a dark hooded sweatshirt kept following me. I turned around and saw it was my high school math teacher. I said, "Hey, I don't want any problems."
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Fashion Week 2011 is almost here. That means many of the models have already begun their strict routines of push ups, sit ups and throw ups.
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Jennifer Lopez was named most beautiful woman by People magazine. Erin Andrews was just named the same by Peephole magazine.
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Mel Gibson's mansion is for sale. It's a 14,000 square foot house; it's got eight bedrooms, seven bathrooms, a wine cellar, screening room and a walk-in oven.
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I saw Julia Roberts early this morning. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but she's actually a very pretty woman.
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I met Bono earlier this morning. He was really nice, he told me to have a great day. I said, "Thanks, you too." (u2)
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If Penelope Cruz was married to Tom Cruise in the 90s, she'd be Penelope Cruise. If Penelope Cruz was married to OJ Simpson in the 90s, she'd be dead.

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I bumped into my high school science teacher recently. She said to me, "You're gonna be a star someday." I said, "Are you calling me a nebula?!"

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I read in the paper that my high school english teacher passed away. It said she died of natural clauses.

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I was at a bar with this girl and she asks me, "Do you ever put an orange in you beer?" I said, "Eh, once in a blue moon."

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Ladies, it's nice when your Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail. It's gross when your teenage son gets to it first and he also comes in the mail.

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My cat died last night. She had an allergic reaction to the condom I was wearing.
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Is it too soon for a Bible joke?
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What did God say to Lassie back in the Bible days?
"What? Jonah? He's stuck in a whale?!"
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What do you get when you mix expresso, skim milk and Michael Corleone?
A nonfat Alpacino!

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My girlfriend farts so much, I swear she got a degree in Ass Communications!
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But every time I fart, she makes me put a dollar in the jar... Talk about high gas prices!
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What do you get when you put cabbage, mayonnaise, vinegar, carrots, salt, pepper, berries and rum in a blender?
A slaw-berry daquiri!
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I was having dinner with this girl the other night and she turns and says, "Is there anything in my teeth?" I said, "Yeah, phosphorus, enamel, nerves and various other mineral salts.'
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What does a detective eat with his chicken nuggets?
Bar-B-CLUE sauce!
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I was on my way to Hollywood from San Diego and I got a speeding ticket. I could have sworn the speed limit said 405!
So I get to this comedy club in Hollywood and I can't find my brother anywhere, so I call him. I said, "Dan, where are you?!" He says, "I'll be there soon, I'm on Beverly!" I said, "I don't care about your love life.. get off her and get over here!"
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I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to a bicycle.
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Shake what your mama gave you. Unless she gave you a bottle of champagne.
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I thought Viagra was doing some clever advertising when Internet Explorer asked if I would like to temporarily allow pop-ups.
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Overheard by Jack LaLanne's pallbearers: "Talk about a deadlift."
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If John Gotti were on "Jersey Shore," his itinerary would be Gym, Tan, Laundering.
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I heard Venus and Serena Williams just opened up a restaurant. I wonder if they serve tennis balls.
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Did you know Ross from "Friends" had a side job as a lifeguard?
He was a good schwimmer!
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Did you hear about the almond that only drank protein shakes?
He was a real health nut!
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Did you hear about the mouse that took an Ambien before he sat down to eat his cheese?
He fell asleep at the wheel!
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A banana is training an apple in the gym and says, "This next exercise is for your core."
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I heard that when Rihanna was hungry right before bed, Chris Brown would give her a late night smack.
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I was in the jewelry store earlier trying on some watches, and at one point I had 5 watches on and thought, "Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands."
Then one of the watches started beeping, blinking, just going crazy, and it was the smallest watch, and the sales lady says, "Yeah, that one's a little Seiko!" (psycho)
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I was standing on Sunset Blvd last Saturday night and a car pulls up, the window rolls down and there's four hot girls inside. One girl sticks her head the window and says, "Hey, we're from New England, where's a good place to pahhty?" I said, "Have you tried a bathroom?!" ("potty" = "party")
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I saw this pretty girl in a wheelchair at the bar the other night. I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, are your arms tired?" She said, "No, why?" I said, "Cause you've been rolling through my mind all day."
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If I was doing this in a fabric store, I'd have a lot more material. (stand up)
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I was on a farm the other day and a cow walked by me and bumped my shoulder as it passed. I turned around and said, "Hey, you got beef?!"
I looked closer and it was pink. I said, "A pink cow, that's rare!"
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My grandmother called me earlier today. She said, "Jon, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday" (she has Alzheimer's). I said, "Hey, forget about it!"
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I was in the Hustler store the other day and tried some stuff on. The sales lady comes by the dressing room and says, "How is everything?" I said, "The shirts fit great but the fake vagina is little too tight."
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Dear Abby,
I'm dating this new girl and I want to f*ck the crap out of her. What if she doesn't crap, will she think less of me?
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I was working in the coffee shop earlier today and Shakira's husband comes in. He walks up to the counter and I said, "Let me guess, you want a small Colombian?"
He laughed and said, "Hey, there's a lot of money in that jar.. guess that means you make a great cappuccino." I said, "Yeah, my tips don't lie."
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Jeffrey Dahmer doing stand up comedy:
"My in-laws are great... with a little ketchup and mustard!"
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Doctors have actually repaired some of Stevie Wonder's vision. I heard his latest single earlier today on the radio: "I Just Called To Say I See You."
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Did you know sharks go to church? They believe Jesus died for their fins!
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There's a Native American driving through New Mexico and he sees a For Sale sign on a piece of land. So he calls up the number on the sign and says to the agent, "Hi, I'd like to make a reservation."
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I walked into my kitchen the other day and there was a pig standing there. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm bacon." (bakin')

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An erection walks into a comedy club on open mic night and says to the host, "I'm excited to be here!" The host says, "I can see that, but sign up doesn't start for another hour. The erection says, "Sorry, this is my first time, that's why I came early."
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Someone asked me the other day, "What's the best way to burn fat?" I said, "The best way to burn fat is with a lighter."
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My grandparents are great... really; my sister just had a baby!
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No wonder karaoke was weird last night; I always thought it was chlamydia killed the radio star.
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What did the blonde say when she woke up with a headache?
"I'm never thinking again!"
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What did the vampire get on his SATs?
Blood.
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Where do female dogs and cats in outer space go to get fixed?
The International Spay-Station!
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Why was Jerry Sandusky in the liquor store?
He was looking for a tall boy.
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Shaggy to Jerry Sandusky: "Just say it wasn't you."
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Why did the actor cross the road?

To get to the other sides.

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Use this JB pickup line next time you're at the coffee shop: Excuse me, is your name Chamomile? Cause you're a hot-tea!

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What do you call a rabbit that wears skinny jeans and horn-rimmed glasses?

A hopster!

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a JohnnyBiceps short comedy film

2011-09-04T23:20:00.001-04:00

"California Thunder"

Aspiring stand up comedian/magician/actor California Thunder gives a close-up look at his life in Los Angeles.

New series from JB!

2011-08-29T06:01:00.009-04:00

It's called JohnnyBiceps Open Mic.

This week- "Target"

Warm with a breeze today in L.A.

2011-08-26T22:01:00.002-04:00

...Perfect weather to sit outside with a beer and write some jokes

Meet "California Thunder"

2011-08-19T05:31:00.006-04:00

He does magic. He does comedy. He does poetry. Aw, hell, he does it all..

Made an ad for Red Lobster

2011-08-10T13:28:00.000-04:00

I don't know Alvin,

2011-05-06T01:29:00.003-04:00

but he set this one up nicely for me on The Hollywood Reporter's Facebook page..

CLICK TO ENLARGE

But what?

2011-04-23T22:36:00.001-04:00

#Sheen

2011-04-10T09:53:00.005-04:00

I hear Charlie Sheen drank this after his NYC show: Drop a shot of Absolut Vodka into Red Bull. It's called an Absolut Bomb.

New to the Facebook Highlights series..

2011-04-03T13:59:00.003-04:00

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE

See the rest of the series here

Cool name

2011-03-27T19:29:00.001-04:00

i'm gonna name my kid Lilli so when she types her name with capital i's and lower case L's it looks like lllll

Jon does an impression

2011-03-25T22:21:00.004-04:00

Jon does an impression of Harry Houdini, 3/24/11 at Side Splitters comedy club

Freestyle bike tricks, part 2

2011-03-18T17:07:00.002-04:00

Scroll down a little for part 1

Donald Trump's roast last night

2011-03-16T12:24:00.003-04:00

After a bomb like that, The Situation now goes by The Terrorist.

Update: We just obtained the 911 call made during The Situation's routine at Donald Trump's roast: "Help! He's dying up there..."

Freestylin'

2011-03-13T17:46:00.001-04:00

Doin some freestyle tricks on my mountain bike. Anyone else ride?

Mr. Whistlesworth

2011-03-12T21:30:00.002-05:00

Yee Haw! Mr. Whistlesworth does open mic at a bar

New JB series: "High Fashion News"

2011-03-08T17:49:00.006-05:00

1. Take a front page news photo

2. Slap an apparel designer's logo on it in Photoshop

3. Lol because it looks like it could be an actual ad

Click to enlarge

Celeb spotted by JB TV!

2011-03-06T09:58:00.002-05:00

This just in..

2011-03-01T12:10:00.002-05:00

Christina Aguilera has been arrested. Finally.. it's been like 4 weeks since she murdered that national anthem.

In the press..

2011-02-22T17:56:00.010-05:00

Glad you like the shirt.. good luck this year, Mr. Damon!

http://www.cbssports.com/mcc/blogs/entry/6270335/27601370

http://www.tampabay.com/blogs/rays/content/live-port-charlotte-afternoon-update-full-day

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/s

tory/Manny-Ramirez-and-Johnny-Damon-provide-more-than-jokes-to-Tampa-Bay-Rays-022111

Giving advice

2011-02-22T12:53:00.002-05:00

So my neighbors, a French couple, are having a baby. He wants to name her Vanessa, she wants to name her Gina. I suggested take a little from both and name her V'gina.

Guess what?!

2011-02-21T08:56:00.002-05:00

JohnnyBiceps.com has comedy for the whole f*ckin family!

Sounds fair

2011-02-20T20:03:00.002-05:00

Insurance

2011-02-16T22:28:00.003-05:00

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to a bicycle.

New Poll

2011-02-16T00:01:00.002-05:00

JB has the scoop on the hottest celeb hairstyles. Take our latest poll:

Click to enlarge

Important for 2011

2011-02-13T22:05:00.002-05:00

NEW to the Facebook Highlights Series

2011-02-09T22:53:00.016-05:00

"Historical" highlights. View the whole series including Biblical, Cartoon, and Celebrity by clicking here.

Click image to enlarge.

From the JB News Desk..

2011-02-06T08:20:00.013-05:00

We apologize for the confusion; the train wreck we told you about earlier outside West L.A. was actually just a Lindsay Lohan sighting.

Celeb real estate

2011-02-05T15:34:00.002-05:00

Mel Gibson's mega mansion is up for sale. The sprawling 15,000 square foot residence features 15 bedrooms, 18 baths, a wine cellar, screening room and walk-in oven.

Woot woot!

2011-02-05T05:58:00.004-05:00

Unlocked a new character in Jewel Thief! It's taken me until February 2011 to get this one!

Outlook not so good

2011-02-03T14:21:00.003-05:00

Good evening, Egypt. Chief Meteorologist Johnny Biceps here with your forecast. We're looking at sunny skies tomorrow with a 0% chance of internet and a 90% chance of violence.

This Just In..

2011-02-02T22:43:00.003-05:00

Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan reportedly on their way to Chicago after hearing the city will be dumped with 2 feet of powder overnight.

Fit Tip

2011-02-02T12:19:00.003-05:00

Movies

2011-02-01T12:41:00.002-05:00

I always thought "Lord of the Rings" was a biographical film based on Larry King's eight marriages.

Online

2011-01-31T22:29:00.002-05:00

I thought Viagra was doing some clever advertising when Internet Explorer asked if I would like to temporarily allow pop-ups.

Cross-training

2011-01-30T12:54:00.002-05:00

Going from weight training to yoga is kind of a stretch.

Career choice

2011-01-30T09:57:00.002-05:00

Being a stuntman is something you just kinda fall into.

This just in..

2011-01-24T09:53:00.001-05:00

Overheard by Jack LaLanne's pallbearers: "Talk about a deadlift.."

Jersey Shore

2011-01-21T13:16:00.002-05:00

If John Gotti were on "Jersey Shore," his itinerary would be Gym, Tan, Laundering.

Man's best friend

2011-01-21T10:10:00.003-05:00

My Shih Tzu is always laying on her back with her legs open lol. That's why I named her Paris.

New book

2011-01-20T19:47:00.004-05:00

JohnnyBiceps-penned book to be given out to all newbie Las Vegas hookers: "What to Expect When You're Expecting Charlie Sheen"

Pre-order yours now at Shop.johnnybiceps.com

A new series from JohnnyBiceps.com

2010-12-03T00:01:00.003-05:00

Dancing With The Condiments, episode 1

Los Angeles shirt

2010-10-29T12:36:00.005-04:00

Los Angeles might be the only place I've been to where it's taken me 45 minutes to drive 3 miles. If there was a transportation awards show, LA would get Best Traffic. I still liked it there, so I added it to our JOHNNYBICEPS city collection on The Shop. You can collect 'em all @ Shop.johnnybiceps.com

Did You Know

2010-10-18T22:42:00.003-04:00

Did you know: Madonna and McDonald's french fries have something in common? They look the same no matter how old they get.

But,

(See the shirt that finishes this post here)

Could the guy from Man vs Food eat this BLT?

2010-10-18T22:32:00.002-04:00

Click here to see the shirt from this post on The Shop

Facebook Highlights Series - All in one

2010-10-14T19:59:00.020-04:00

Click just to the left or right of an image to view full size.

Artist Facebook Highlights

Historical Facebook Highlights

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part IV

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part III

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part II

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part I

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Weekend Briefs

Cartoon Facebook Highlights, Part I

Celebrity Facebook Highlights, Part I

Hmm..

2010-10-14T10:20:00.004-04:00

My butt itches. Does that mean someone is talking sh*t about me?

Keep on top of all my intellectual Facebook status updates like this one by becoming a fan. You can click right here to be transferred.

-Johnny

I'm back with goodies for all

2010-10-12T23:41:00.002-04:00

Johnny here. I'm back from the sweatshops which means THE SHIRTS ARE HERE!! You wouldn't believe the terrain I had to travel. Ugh! Now you can let everyone know you have a terrific dry sense of humor. So what are you wading for? Get out of that knee-deep water and go to http://shop.johnnybiceps.com!

The reviews are in..

2010-10-11T13:50:00.004-04:00

The internet forum/message board reviews are in for the "Facebook Highlights" series, exclusive to JohnnyBiceps.com. There are currently 8 issues so far with more to come. Give 'em a look, see what all the lols are about. You can see an organized list of links to each one here: http://shop.johnnybiceps.com/this-just-in

Click pic to enlarge

Biblical Facebook Highlights Part IV

2010-10-08T11:02:00.001-04:00

Here it is, folks. Enjoy..

Click pic to enlarge

Celeb news

2010-10-06T08:55:00.003-04:00

Some people find Jesus in their toast. This morning I found Lindsay Lohan in some spilled sugar. I don't know what it means, but..

This just in..

2010-10-01T17:03:00.004-04:00

Look at what a stork just dropped off at our door. The online shop will be up in 1-2 weeks but if you need a shirt now(like to wear on a date or something), you can email: sales@johnnybiceps.com and we'll get it to you. These are 100% cotton American Apparel tees - M, L and XL. Girls tanks and various other designs will be available once the shop is up.

Fit tip

2010-09-28T11:43:00.001-04:00

Click to enlarge

Halloween 2010

2010-09-25T17:25:00.002-04:00

Johnny here. I think I found the perfect Lindsay Lohan costume for this Halloween..

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Weekend briefs..

2010-09-25T16:25:00.002-04:00

Click pic to enlarge

2010-09-24T14:26:00.003-04:00

You ready to be a part of the biggest high-fashion gun show in the world? You better start doing them curls. Available early October..

Click to enlarge pic of these beautiful Johnny fans

Great find!

2010-09-22T21:41:00.003-04:00

Johnny here. Was just out shopping for some wrinkle-resistant shorts and I think I found the perfect pair..

Click pic to enlarge

JOHNNYBICEPS clothing line update

2010-09-19T01:34:00.005-04:00

Johnny here. We were lucky enough to land highly acclaimed Swiss fashion designer Henri Von Nipplefârt to design our initial collection that we're launching in a few weeks. I caught up with Nipplefârt yesterday on G-chat to get an update on things..

Click pic to enlarge

Cartoon Facebook Highlights

2010-09-13T22:05:00.002-04:00

Click pic to enlarge

Celebrity Facebook Highlights sneak peak

2010-09-13T07:22:00.003-04:00

Click pic to enlarge

New things comin'

2010-09-10T22:06:00.004-04:00

Hi folks, Johnny here. Just some things we're working on:

-JohnnyBiceps online shop with t-shirts for purchase

-Celebrity Facebook Highlights

-Cartoon Facebook Highlights

-Johnny vs Food

Episode Five, a short

2010-09-07T15:42:00.003-04:00

Click for larger image

I love fan mail..

2010-09-06T11:42:00.002-04:00

You can write your questions to: johnny@johnnybiceps.com

Just got back from a nice dinner

2010-09-03T23:07:00.002-04:00

Episode Four

2010-09-02T09:25:00.001-04:00

Click for a larger image

No, really

2010-09-01T19:41:00.002-04:00

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part III

2010-08-31T21:56:00.003-04:00

Click for a larger image

Dress shoe shopping just got a whole lot easier, fellas

2010-08-28T11:44:00.003-04:00

Click For Larger Image

Notable tweets

2010-08-24T20:57:00.003-04:00

Hi, Johnny here. I had this radio station on all day today while working in the JB office. I tweeted to them after my 8-hour workday..

what did one...

2010-08-24T14:07:00.002-04:00

Notable tweets

2010-08-22T14:26:00.004-04:00

Gotta love talking to Twelpforce, Best Buy's online help agent task force.

Was just thinking..

2010-08-14T12:10:00.001-04:00

Do astronauts use Spacebook?

Rap name

2010-05-19T18:57:00.000-04:00

My rap name would be LoL Cool Jk

Fit tip of the day

2010-05-16T16:41:00.005-04:00

Try to drink at least eight 8-ounce cups of soy sauce each day to reduce the risk of lack of sodium.

-JB

Sneak peak at the upcoming Celebrity Facebok Highlights..

2010-01-11T12:11:00.001-05:00

Remix!

2010-01-04T14:49:00.003-05:00

Larger view

Johnny does open mic - 4

2009-11-30T14:07:00.002-05:00

Click here for a larger image

New flavor!

2009-11-26T13:04:00.002-05:00

Click here for a larger image

What did the...

2009-11-22T21:57:00.004-05:00

to: miley

2009-11-06T17:15:00.001-05:00

Biblical Facebook Highlights, part 1

2009-09-17T14:09:00.002-04:00

Click here to see larger

Johnny does open mic - 3

2009-09-15T14:41:00.004-04:00

Click here for a larger image

Johnny does open mic - 2

2009-09-13T17:54:00.003-04:00

Click here for a larger view

Johnny does open mic - 1

2009-09-08T11:03:00.002-04:00

Click here for a larger view

A new hip-hopumentary by JohnnyBiceps.com

2009-09-04T15:38:00.004-04:00

Our good friend and former mailroom attendant is now out in L.A.

Adam Von Jesus: the lost tapes

2009-07-28T23:22:00.002-04:00

I found some dusty old tapes while cleaning out the attic in the old JohnnyBiceps offices.

Our new line of shirts

2009-07-09T23:27:00.002-04:00

This Ted Harvey shirt is the same one featured in "Fashion Police: The Movie," now showing here on JohnnyBiceps.com. Scroll down a little bit to view it.

Click here for a larger view of this beauty.

Thank you, Facebook

2009-06-10T19:19:00.001-04:00

Forget about LOLcats...

2009-06-03T09:15:00.003-04:00

JohnnyBiceps.com introduces PriestShark.

Click here for a larger view

Biblical Facebook Highlights, Part II

2009-05-26T17:43:00.008-04:00

Click here to see larger