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Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Heckler deals with California Thunder..
Update: Thunder is doing OK.. just a few cuts and a headache but luckily the bottle smashed clean and Thunder has a hard head. The heckler was later found by police.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
California Thunder doing some holiday shopping
Doing some shopping on the world famous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.
Scroll down to see two more previous videos of California Thunder.
Scroll down to see two more previous videos of California Thunder.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
The JohnnyBiceps Joke List
All are 100% original [and copywritten] jokes and one liners by Jon Mishner.
Check back often for new jokes!
I was walking down Hollywood Blvd late last night and this guy in a dark hooded sweatshirt kept following me. I turned around and saw it was my high school math teacher. I said, "Hey, I don't want any problems."
-----
Fashion Week 2011 is almost here. That means many of the models have already begun their strict routines of push ups, sit ups and throw ups.
-----
Jennifer Lopez was named most beautiful woman by People magazine. Erin Andrews was just named the same by Peephole magazine.
-----
Mel Gibson's mansion is for sale. It's a 14,000 square foot house; it's got eight bedrooms, seven bathrooms, a wine cellar, screening room and a walk-in oven.
-----
I saw Julia Roberts early this morning. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but she's actually a very pretty woman.
-----
I met Bono earlier this morning. He was really nice, he told me to have a great day. I said, "Thanks, you too." (u2)
-----
If Penelope Cruz was married to Tom Cruise in the 90s, she'd be Penelope Cruise. If Penelope Cruz was married to OJ Simpson in the 90s, she'd be dead.
-----
I bumped into my high school science teacher recently. She said to me, "You're gonna be a star someday." I said, "Are you calling me a nebula?!"
Check back often for new jokes!
I was walking down Hollywood Blvd late last night and this guy in a dark hooded sweatshirt kept following me. I turned around and saw it was my high school math teacher. I said, "Hey, I don't want any problems."
-----
Fashion Week 2011 is almost here. That means many of the models have already begun their strict routines of push ups, sit ups and throw ups.
-----
Jennifer Lopez was named most beautiful woman by People magazine. Erin Andrews was just named the same by Peephole magazine.
-----
Mel Gibson's mansion is for sale. It's a 14,000 square foot house; it's got eight bedrooms, seven bathrooms, a wine cellar, screening room and a walk-in oven.
-----
I saw Julia Roberts early this morning. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but she's actually a very pretty woman.
-----
I met Bono earlier this morning. He was really nice, he told me to have a great day. I said, "Thanks, you too." (u2)
-----
If Penelope Cruz was married to Tom Cruise in the 90s, she'd be Penelope Cruise. If Penelope Cruz was married to OJ Simpson in the 90s, she'd be dead.
-----
I bumped into my high school science teacher recently. She said to me, "You're gonna be a star someday." I said, "Are you calling me a nebula?!"
-----
I read in the paper that my high school english teacher passed away. It said she died of natural clauses.
-----
Ladies, it's nice when your Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail. It's gross when your teenage son gets to it first and he also comes in the mail.
-----
Is it too soon for a Bible joke?
-----
What did God say to Lassie back in the Bible days?
"What? Jonah? He's stuck in a whale?!"
-----
What do you get when you mix expresso, skim milk and Michael Corleone?
A nonfat Alpacino!
-----
My cat died last night... She had an allergic reaction to the condom I was wearing.
-----
Ladies, it's nice when your Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail. It's gross when your teenage son gets to it first and he also comes in the mail.
-----
Is it too soon for a Bible joke?
-----
What did God say to Lassie back in the Bible days?
"What? Jonah? He's stuck in a whale?!"
-----
What do you get when you mix expresso, skim milk and Michael Corleone?
A nonfat Alpacino!
-----
My cat died last night... She had an allergic reaction to the condom I was wearing.
-----
My girlfriend farts so much, I swear she got a degree in Ass Communications!
-----
But every time I fart, she makes me put a dollar in the jar... Talk about high gas prices!
-----
What do you get when you put cabbage, mayonnaise, vinegar, carrots, salt, pepper, berries and rum in a blender?
A slaw-berry daquiri!
-----
I was having dinner with this girl the other night and she turns and says, "Is there anything in my teeth?" I said, "Yeah, phosphorus, enamel, nerves and various other mineral salts.'
-----
What does a detective eat with his chicken nuggets?
Bar-B-CLUE sauce!
-----
I was on my way to Hollywood from San Diego and I got a speeding ticket. I could have sworn the speed limit said 405!
So I get to this comedy club in Hollywood and I can't find my brother anywhere, so I call him. I said, "Dan, where are you?!" He says, "I'll be there soon, I'm on Beverly!" I said, "I don't care about your love life.. get off her and get over here!"
-----
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to a bicycle.
-----
Shake what your mama gave you. Unless she gave you a bottle of champagne.
-----
I thought Viagra was doing some clever advertising when Internet Explorer asked if I would like to temporarily allow pop-ups.
-----
Overheard by Jack LaLanne's pallbearers: "Talk about a deadlift."
-----
If John Gotti were on "Jersey Shore," his itinerary would be Gym, Tan, Laundering.
-----
I heard Venus and Serena Williams just opened up a restaurant. I wonder if they serve tennis balls.
-----
Did you know Ross from "Friends" had a side job as a lifeguard?
He was a good schwimmer!
-----
Did you hear about the almond that only drank protein shakes?
He was a real health nut!
-----
Did you hear about the mouse that took an Ambien before he sat down to eat his cheese?
He fell asleep at the wheel!
-----
A banana is training an apple in the gym and says, "This next exercise is for your core."
-----
I heard that when Rihanna was hungry right before bed, Chris Brown would give her a late night smack.
-----
I was in the jewelry store earlier trying on some watches, and at one point I had 5 watches on and thought, "Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands."
Then one of the watches started beeping, blinking, just going crazy, and it was the smallest watch, and the sales lady says, "Yeah, that one's a little Seiko!" (psycho)
-----
I was standing on Sunset Blvd last Saturday night and a car pulls up, the window rolls down and there's four hot girls inside. One girl sticks her head the window and says, "Hey, we're from New England, where's a good place to pahhty?" I said, "Have you tried a bathroom?!" ("potty" = "party")
-----
I saw this pretty girl in a wheelchair at the bar the other night. I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, are your arms tired?" She said, "No, why?" I said, "Cause you've been rolling through my mind all day."
-----
If I was doing this in a fabric store, I'd have a lot more material. (stand up)
-----
I was on a farm the other day and a cow walked by me and bumped my shoulder as it passed. I turned around and said, "Hey, you got beef?!"
I looked closer and it was pink. I said, "A pink cow, that's rare!"
-----
My grandmother has amnesia. So she calls me the other day and says, "Jon, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday." I said, "Forget about it!"
-----
I was in the Hustler store the other day and tried some stuff on. The sales lady comes by the dressing room and says, "How is everything?" I said, "The shirts fit great but the fake vagina is little too tight."
-----
Dear Abby,
I'm dating this new girl and I want to f*ck the crap out of her. What if she doesn't crap, will she think less of me?
-----
I was working in the coffee shop earlier today and Shakira's husband comes in. He walks up to the counter and I said, "Let me guess, you want a small Colombian?"
He laughed and said, "Hey, there's a lot of money in that jar.. guess that means you make a great cappuccino." I said, "Yeah, my tips don't lie."
-----
Jeffrey Dahmer doing stand up comedy:
"My in-laws are great... with a little ketchup and mustard!"
-----
Doctors have actually repaired some of Stevie Wonder's vision. I heard his latest single earlier today on the radio: "I Just Called To Say I See You."
-----
Did you know sharks go to church? They believe Jesus died for their fins!
-----
There's a Native American driving through New Mexico and he sees a For Sale sign on a piece of land. So he calls up the number on the sign and says to the agent, "Hi, I'd like to make a reservation."
-----
I walked into my kitchen the other day and there was a pig standing there. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm bacon." (bakin')
-----
But every time I fart, she makes me put a dollar in the jar... Talk about high gas prices!
-----
What do you get when you put cabbage, mayonnaise, vinegar, carrots, salt, pepper, berries and rum in a blender?
A slaw-berry daquiri!
-----
I was having dinner with this girl the other night and she turns and says, "Is there anything in my teeth?" I said, "Yeah, phosphorus, enamel, nerves and various other mineral salts.'
-----
What does a detective eat with his chicken nuggets?
Bar-B-CLUE sauce!
-----
I was on my way to Hollywood from San Diego and I got a speeding ticket. I could have sworn the speed limit said 405!
So I get to this comedy club in Hollywood and I can't find my brother anywhere, so I call him. I said, "Dan, where are you?!" He says, "I'll be there soon, I'm on Beverly!" I said, "I don't care about your love life.. get off her and get over here!"
-----
I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to a bicycle.
-----
Shake what your mama gave you. Unless she gave you a bottle of champagne.
-----
I thought Viagra was doing some clever advertising when Internet Explorer asked if I would like to temporarily allow pop-ups.
-----
Overheard by Jack LaLanne's pallbearers: "Talk about a deadlift."
-----
If John Gotti were on "Jersey Shore," his itinerary would be Gym, Tan, Laundering.
-----
I heard Venus and Serena Williams just opened up a restaurant. I wonder if they serve tennis balls.
-----
Did you know Ross from "Friends" had a side job as a lifeguard?
He was a good schwimmer!
-----
Did you hear about the almond that only drank protein shakes?
He was a real health nut!
-----
Did you hear about the mouse that took an Ambien before he sat down to eat his cheese?
He fell asleep at the wheel!
-----
A banana is training an apple in the gym and says, "This next exercise is for your core."
-----
I heard that when Rihanna was hungry right before bed, Chris Brown would give her a late night smack.
-----
I was in the jewelry store earlier trying on some watches, and at one point I had 5 watches on and thought, "Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands."
Then one of the watches started beeping, blinking, just going crazy, and it was the smallest watch, and the sales lady says, "Yeah, that one's a little Seiko!" (psycho)
-----
I was standing on Sunset Blvd last Saturday night and a car pulls up, the window rolls down and there's four hot girls inside. One girl sticks her head the window and says, "Hey, we're from New England, where's a good place to pahhty?" I said, "Have you tried a bathroom?!" ("potty" = "party")
-----
I saw this pretty girl in a wheelchair at the bar the other night. I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, are your arms tired?" She said, "No, why?" I said, "Cause you've been rolling through my mind all day."
-----
If I was doing this in a fabric store, I'd have a lot more material. (stand up)
-----
I was on a farm the other day and a cow walked by me and bumped my shoulder as it passed. I turned around and said, "Hey, you got beef?!"
I looked closer and it was pink. I said, "A pink cow, that's rare!"
-----
My grandmother has amnesia. So she calls me the other day and says, "Jon, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday." I said, "Forget about it!"
-----
I was in the Hustler store the other day and tried some stuff on. The sales lady comes by the dressing room and says, "How is everything?" I said, "The shirts fit great but the fake vagina is little too tight."
-----
Dear Abby,
I'm dating this new girl and I want to f*ck the crap out of her. What if she doesn't crap, will she think less of me?
-----
I was working in the coffee shop earlier today and Shakira's husband comes in. He walks up to the counter and I said, "Let me guess, you want a small Colombian?"
He laughed and said, "Hey, there's a lot of money in that jar.. guess that means you make a great cappuccino." I said, "Yeah, my tips don't lie."
-----
Jeffrey Dahmer doing stand up comedy:
"My in-laws are great... with a little ketchup and mustard!"
-----
Doctors have actually repaired some of Stevie Wonder's vision. I heard his latest single earlier today on the radio: "I Just Called To Say I See You."
-----
Did you know sharks go to church? They believe Jesus died for their fins!
-----
There's a Native American driving through New Mexico and he sees a For Sale sign on a piece of land. So he calls up the number on the sign and says to the agent, "Hi, I'd like to make a reservation."
-----
I walked into my kitchen the other day and there was a pig standing there. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm bacon." (bakin')
-----
An erection walks into a comedy club on open mic night and says to the host, "I'm excited to be here!" The host says, "I can see that, but sign up doesn't start for another hour. The erection says, "Sorry, this is my first time, that's why I came early."
-----
Someone asked me the other day, "What's the best way to burn fat?" I said, "The best way to burn fat is with a lighter."
-----
My grandparents are great... really; my sister just had a baby!
-----
No wonder karaoke was weird last night; I always thought it was chlamydia killed the radio star.
-----
I was at a bar with this girl and she asks me, "Do you ever put an orange in you beer?" I said, "Eh, once in a blue moon."
-----
What did the blonde say when she woke up with a headache?
"I'm never thinking again!"
-----
What did the vampire get on his SATs?
Blood.
-----
Where do female dogs and cats in outer space go to get fixed?
The International Spay-Station!
-----
Why was Jerry Sandusky in the liquor store?
He was looking for a tall boy.
-----
Shaggy to Jerry Sandusky: "Just say it wasn't you."
-----
An erection walks into a comedy club on open mic night and says to the host, "I'm excited to be here!" The host says, "I can see that, but sign up doesn't start for another hour. The erection says, "Sorry, this is my first time, that's why I came early."
-----
Someone asked me the other day, "What's the best way to burn fat?" I said, "The best way to burn fat is with a lighter."
-----
My grandparents are great... really; my sister just had a baby!
-----
No wonder karaoke was weird last night; I always thought it was chlamydia killed the radio star.
-----
I was at a bar with this girl and she asks me, "Do you ever put an orange in you beer?" I said, "Eh, once in a blue moon."
-----
What did the blonde say when she woke up with a headache?
"I'm never thinking again!"
-----
What did the vampire get on his SATs?
Blood.
-----
Where do female dogs and cats in outer space go to get fixed?
The International Spay-Station!
-----
Why was Jerry Sandusky in the liquor store?
He was looking for a tall boy.
-----
Shaggy to Jerry Sandusky: "Just say it wasn't you."
-----
Why did the actor cross the road?
To get to the other sides.
-----
Use this JB pickup line next time you're at the coffee shop: Excuse me, is your name Chamomile? Cause you're a hot-tea!-----
What do you call a rabbit that wears skinny jeans and horn-rimmed glasses?
What do you call a rabbit that wears skinny jeans and horn-rimmed glasses?
A hopster!
-----
Sunday, September 4, 2011
a JohnnyBiceps short comedy film
"California Thunder"
Aspiring stand up comedian/magician/actor California Thunder gives a close-up look at his life in Los Angeles.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
Friday, August 19, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
I don't know Alvin,
but he set this one up nicely for me on The Hollywood Reporter's Facebook page..
CLICK TO ENLARGE
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
#Sheen
I hear Charlie Sheen drank this after his NYC show: Drop a shot of Absolut Vodka into Red Bull. It's called an Absolut Bomb.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Cool name
i'm gonna name my kid Lilli so when she types her name with capital i's and lower case L's it looks like lllll
Friday, March 25, 2011
Jon does an impression
Jon does an impression of Harry Houdini, 3/24/11 at Side Splitters comedy club
Friday, March 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Donald Trump's roast last night
After a bomb like that, The Situation now goes by The Terrorist.
Update: We just obtained the 911 call made during The Situation's routine at Donald Trump's roast: "Help! He's dying up there..."
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
New JB series: "High Fashion News"
1. Take a front page news photo
2. Slap an apparel designer's logo on it in Photoshop
3. Lol because it looks like it could be an actual ad
Click to enlarge
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
This just in..
Christina Aguilera has been arrested. Finally.. it's been like 4 weeks since she murdered that national anthem.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Giving advice
So my neighbors, a French couple, are having a baby. He wants to name her Vanessa, she wants to name her Gina. I suggested take a little from both and name her V'gina.
Monday, February 21, 2011
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