Reese's PB Cup

A JohnnyBiceps parody of the Reese's commercials from the 90s.

Reese's Parody from JohnnyBiceps on Vimeo.

Watch a joke! "Ladies..."

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

"Ladies..." from JohnnyBiceps on Vimeo.

"The Busboy"

A tribute to Jerry Lewis' brilliant Chairman of the Board scene in "The Errand Boy".

"The Busboy" from JohnnyBiceps on Vimeo.

Watch a joke! "The Date"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

Watch in HD

Red Rose Chocolates

Mmm, those must be some good chocolates!

Watch in HD

Watch a joke! "The Coffee Shop"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

Watch in HD

Watch a joke! "Grandma"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

Watch in HD

Watch a joke! "The Follower"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

Watch in HD

Watch a joke! "New England"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

People from New England ask the weirdest questions..

Watch in HD

Good job!

LAPD detectives did a good job solving the Hollywood body parts case. Lets give 'em a hand!

Watch a joke! "Actor Crossing"

JohnnyBiceps turns its original jokes into shorts.

An acting joke..

Watch in HD

Heckler deals with California Thunder..

Watch in HD

A JohnnyBiceps art film

Now that's a good deal.

California Thunder doing some holiday shopping

Doing some shopping on the world famous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, CA.

Scroll down to see two more previous videos of California Thunder.

Fruit works out, too

Click to enlarge

Happy Halloween!

What did the vampire get on his SATs?

Blood!

The JohnnyBiceps Joke List

All are 100% original [and copywritten] jokes and one liners by Jon Mishner.
Check back often for new jokes! And don't forget to click here to watch some of these jokes come to life! Newer jokes are towards the bottom. 


I was walking down Hollywood Blvd late last night and this guy in a dark hooded sweatshirt kept following me. I turned around and saw it was my high school math teacher. I said, "Hey, I don't want any problems."
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If Penelope Cruz was married to Tom Cruise in the 90s, she'd be Penelope Cruise. If Penelope Cruz was married to OJ Simpson in the 90s, she'd be dead.

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Ladies, it's nice when your Victoria's Secret catalog comes in the mail. It's gross when your teenage son gets to it first and he also comes in the mail.

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Fashion Week 2011 is almost here. That means many of the models have already begun their strict routines of push ups, sit ups and throw ups.

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I was on a farm the other day and a cow walked by me and bumped my shoulder as it passed. I turned around and said, "Hey, you got beef?!"

I looked closer and it was pink. I thought, "A pink cow, that's rare.."

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I saw Julia Roberts early this morning. She wasn't wearing any makeup, but she was actually a very pretty woman.
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I met Bono earlier this morning. He was really nice, he told me to have a great day. I said, "Thanks, you too." (u2)

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I heard my high school English teacher passed away.  I heard she died of natural clauses.

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I was at a bar with this girl and she asks me, "Do you ever put an orange in you beer?" I said, "Eh, once in a blue moon."

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What do you get when you mix expresso, skim milk and Michael Corleone?
A nonfat Alpacino!
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Jennifer Lopez was named most beautiful woman by People magazine. Erin Andrews was just named the same by Peephole magazine.

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My girlfriend farts so much, I swear she got her degree in Ass Communications!"

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But every time I fart, she makes me put a dollar in the jar... Talk about high gas prices!

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What do you get when you put cabbage, mayonnaise, vinegar, carrots, salt, pepper, berries and rum in a blender?

A slaw-berry daquiri!

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I was having dinner with this girl the other night and she turns and says, "Is there anything in my teeth?" I said, "Yeah, calcium, phosphorus, enamel and various other mineral salts.'

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What does a detective eat with his chicken nuggets?

Bar-B-CLUE sauce!

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I was on my way to Hollywood from San Diego and I got a speeding ticket. I could have sworn the speed limit said 405!

So I get to this comedy club in Hollywood and I can't find my brother anywhere, so I call him. I said, "Dan, where are you?!" He says, "I'll be there soon, I'm on Beverly!" I said, "I don't care about your love life.. get off her and get over here!"

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I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to a bicycle.

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Shake what your mama gave you. Unless she gave you a bottle of champagne.

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Is it too soon for a Bible joke?
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I thought Viagra was doing some clever advertising when Internet Explorer asked if I would like to temporarily allow pop-ups.
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Overheard by Jack LaLanne's pallbearers: "Talk about a deadlift."
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If John Gotti were on "Jersey Shore," his itinerary would be Gym, Tan, Laundering.
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I heard Venus and Serena Williams just opened up a restaurant. I wonder if they serve tennis balls.
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Did you know Ross from "Friends" had a side job as a lifeguard?
He was a good schwimmer!
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Did you hear about the almond that only drank protein shakes?
He was a real health nut!
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Did you hear about the mouse that took an Ambien before he sat down to eat his cheese?
He fell asleep at the wheel!
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A banana is training an apple in the gym and says, "This next exercise is for your core."

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My cat died last night. She had an allergic reaction to the condom I was wearing.

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I was in the jewelry store earlier trying on some watches, and at one point I had 5 watches on and thought, "Wow, I have a lot of time on my hands."
Then one of the watches started beeping, blinking, just going crazy, and it was the smallest watch, and the sales lady says, "Yeah, that one's a little Seiko!" (psycho)

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I bumped into my high school science teacher recently. She said to me, "You're gonna be a star someday." I said, "Are you calling me a nebula?!"

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I was standing on Sunset Blvd last Saturday night and a car pulls up, the window rolls down and there's four hot girls inside. One girl sticks her head the window and says, "Hey, we're from New England, where's a good place to pahhty?" I said, "Have you tried a bathroom?!" ("potty" = "party")
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I saw this pretty girl in a wheelchair at the bar the other night. I went up to her and said, "Excuse me, are your arms tired?" She said, "No, why?" I said, "Cause you've been rolling through my mind all day."
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If I was doing this in a fabric store, I'd have a lot more material. (stand up)
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My grandmother called me earlier today. She said, "Jon, I'm sorry I didn't call you on your birthday" (she has Alzheimer's). I said, "Hey, forget about it!"
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I was in the Hustler store the other day and tried some stuff on. The sales lady comes by the dressing room and says, "How is everything?" I said, "The shirts fit great but the fake vagina is little too tight."
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Dear Abby,
I'm dating this new girl and I want to f*ck the crap out of her. What if she doesn't crap, will she think less of me?
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I was working in the coffee shop earlier today and Shakira's husband comes in. He walks up to the counter and I said, "Let me guess, you want a small Colombian?"
He laughed and said, "Hey, there's a lot of money in that jar.. guess that means you make a great cappuccino." I said, "Yeah, my tips don't lie."
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Jeffrey Dahmer doing stand up comedy:
"My in-laws are great... with a little ketchup and mustard!"
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Doctors have actually repaired some of Stevie Wonder's vision. I heard his latest single earlier today on the radio: "I Just Called To Say I See You."
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Did you know sharks go to church? They believe Jesus died for their fins!
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There's a Native American driving through New Mexico and he sees a For Sale sign on a piece of land. So he calls up the number on the sign and says to the agent, "Hi, I'd like to make a reservation."
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I walked into my kitchen the other day and there was a pig standing there. I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I'm bacon." (bakin')

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An erection walks into a comedy club on open mic night and says to the host, "I'm excited to be here!" The host says, "I can see that, but sign up doesn't start for another hour. The erection says, "Sorry, this is my first time, that's why I came early."
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Someone asked me the other day, "What's the best way to burn fat?" I said, "With a lighter."
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My grandparents are great... really; my sister just had a baby!
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I saw Beyonce the other day. She told me her dog ran away and asked me why I was smiling. I said, "Cause if you liked it then you shoulda put a leash on it."

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No wonder karaoke was weird last night; I always thought it was chlamydia killed the radio star.
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What did the blonde say when she woke up with a headache?
"I am never thinking again!"
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What did the vampire get on his SATs?
Blood.
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Where do female dogs and cats in outer space go to get fixed?
The International Spay-Station!
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Why was Jerry Sandusky in the liquor store?
He was looking for a tall boy.
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Shaggy to Jerry Sandusky: "Just say it wasn't you."
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Why did the actor cross the road?

To get to the other sides.
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What's a lumberjack's favorite sandwich?
Ham and trees

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Use this JB pickup line next time you're at the coffee shop: Excuse me, is your name Chamomile? Cause you're a hot-tea!

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What kind of health insurance does Jennifer Garner have?

Affleck!

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What do you call a rabbit that wears skinny jeans and horn-rimmed glasses?

A hopster!

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I was working at the coffee shop earlier and Jon Favreau came in. He forgot his change so I chased him down and said, 'Hey, you're money."

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Matt Damon came into the coffee shop earlier. I spilled his coffee by accident but he thought he spilled it so he kept apologizing. I said, "It's not your fault."

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Beyonce came into my work the other day. She told me how her dog ran away, how she lost her dog. Then she asked me why I was smiling. I said, "Cause if you liked him then you shoulda put a leash on him."

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Did you hear about the lobster that got caught wondering around the kitchen?

He ended up in some pretty hot water.

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Why did the actor get fired from the Whole Foods produce department?

He didn't know his limes!

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My girlfriend thinks I'm really weird. The other day I showed her my collection of 300 Playboy magazines. She said, "Wow, you have issues."
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I went out last night.  Guess I shouldn't have dressed so nice.. I got pulled over for hunk driving.

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I ran over two rabbits earlier.  Talk about a bad hare day!
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My girlfriend has some weird hobbies.  The other day I looked under her bed and found a shoe box full of dildos.  I said, "I didn't know you were a groin collector."

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Why didn't the Honda want to date the BMW?

It was too high maintenance.
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What does the ocean do when it sees the moon?
Waves

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Did you hear about the magician who has no arms?

"Alright folks, nothing up my sleeves.."

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Why did the mother take her son back to the barber?

He was missing a part.
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What do peeping toms like waking up to?
Morning showers

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Did you hear about the diabetic who lost her entire fortune to sugary drinks?

She blew it all on Coke.
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Where does a restauranteur go to college?
Men U

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I recently got a part in a fetish video but the director fired me after five minutes of being on set.  He said I got off on the wrong foot.
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I used to work at a car repair shop in a bad part of town.  One day this guy comes up to me and says, "Yo man, what are you doin' in my hood?"  I said, "Just checking your engine."
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I was doing my laundry before leaving the house earlier and was in such a rush I accidentally poured bleach in with my dark clothes.  Eh, they'll be allwhite.
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Jason Biggs really went through a dark period, having sex with apple pies.  I hear he's doing butter now.
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I worked as a production assistant on a kids film about a Golden Retriever.  Until the Golden Retriever died.  The director asked me how he died, I said, "You told me to shoot it in front of the green screen."

New series from JB!

It's called JohnnyBiceps Open Mic.

This week- "Target"

Warm with a breeze today in L.A.

...Perfect weather to sit outside with a beer and write some jokes

Meet "California Thunder"

He does magic. He does comedy. He does poetry. Aw, hell, he does it all..

Made an ad for Red Lobster

I don't know Alvin,

but he set this one up nicely for me on The Hollywood Reporter's Facebook page..

CLICK TO ENLARGE

But what?

#Sheen

I hear Charlie Sheen drank this after his NYC show: Drop a shot of Absolut Vodka into Red Bull. It's called an Absolut Bomb.

New to the Facebook Highlights series..

CLICK IMAGE TO ENLARGE

See the rest of the series here

Cool name

i'm gonna name my kid Lilli so when she types her name with capital i's and lower case L's it looks like lllll

Jon does an impression

Jon does an impression of Harry Houdini, 3/24/11 at Side Splitters comedy club

Freestyle bike tricks, part 2

Scroll down a little for part 1

Donald Trump's roast last night

After a bomb like that, The Situation now goes by The Terrorist.

Update: We just obtained the 911 call made during The Situation's routine at Donald Trump's roast: "Help! He's dying up there..."